Reconstructing Bella
by belladena
Summary: Bella enters college with the intent of leaving the cloud of disappointment she always feels from her mother. She begins to grow proud of herself until she finds herself in trouble after a party. Rated M! Rape, but moves on to healing, growth & love.
1. New

_**A/N This is my first try at writing on here. Please read and review. I would love to know if my writing is worth reading :) Thanks!**_

_Chapter 1- New_

_I stepped into the stuffy dorm room where I would spend the next year of my life and took a look around. Boring, brown, empty and smelling like cardboard, it represented my new blank slate. I would no longer be under the control of my mother. I loved her, loved her more than I could explain, considering the pain and disappointment she had injected into my spirit over the years._

_***_

"_I'm so disappointed in you," she scolded as I winced away from her icy glare. I was ten and didn't want to take ballet any longer. "Everything I do, I do for you, Bella, and you throw it away! You have no idea how lucky you are," she choked out, starting her familiar guilt inducing cry. At which point, I slowly made my way back into the studio to join in on a class I had grown to hate. I was really, really good at dancing, but the instructor had her favorites and, no matter what I did, I was placed at the back of the choreography, wilting into the scenery and feeling useless and unimportant. Self esteem and pride had already made their exit years before and, after the class, I stared out the car window into the rain as my mother droned on and on about how I should be at the front of the class. Yet another way I had disappointed her. At the age of ten, I knew too well that I would never be good enough for Renee. I would always be the daughter that should have tried a little harder._

_***_

_During my senior year of high school, I dated Mike. He was a really decent guy that made me happy. As much as you can love someone at an age, I loved him, and the summer after we graduated, I gave myself to him in the sweaty, stuffy attic of his tiny home, that was his bedroom. His family didn't have money; his parents had a tiny bungalo style house in the suburbs of Phoenix, and he was Chilean and beautifully bronze and sculpted. I loved him for his carefree spirit; we laughed, we played and the first time we made love, he treated me with all of the sweetness I felt I didn't deserve. He was a gentleman and, for the first time in my life, I thought someone could love me without expecting me to be something I wasn't._

_And then, it was over. And the crushing pain was more than I could bare. And then, it was doubled by the joy I caught in my mother's eyes as she learned we had broken up._

"_I'm sorry, but I can't help but be happy that you aren't with him any more, sweetie" she said after I caught her smiling through my blurred eyes. I had heard that my boyfriend, Mike, of two years had been with another girl and he had accidentally confirmed it. Not good enough, again._

_***_

_I snapped out of the thoughts of my mother and tried to concentrate on the newness of school, my freshman year of college, and my chance to be, well, just ME._

_My peace lasted just exactly until my mother made it up the steps to my dorm room; exactly two minutes after me. From that moment and for the next half hour, my first day of college was about her. But, then again, that was the story of my life. Everything that ever happened to me was about her, or more aptly, how it affected her. She stood there crying. And I stood there feeling sad for her. _

_Why was it that she always had the ability to make me feel so miserable for her? Why couldn't she just hide her feelings and let me be happy? Why couldn't I just enjoy my first day instead of consoling my mother? So, that's what I did on my first day and, at the moment I held her while she cried, my own grief struck me as I said good bye to my young self and hello to the things that would shape the woman I would become._

_A/N **Review please? Thanks so much!**_


	2. Accepted

**A/N: I know this is short, but it seemed like the right place to stop. I think most of my chapters will be short; but, I will try to update as fast as I can. Enjoy!**

Chapter 2: Accepted

I had met so many people during the past two months and was constantly amazed at the diversity college offered. I didn't have to pretend to be preppy. I didn't have to pretend that I cared about fitting in. These were things I did at home in order to make my mom proud of me. Here, I wanted to make myself proud and I found myself gravitating toward people the old Bella would have never paid attention to.

Victoria had beautiful fiery red hair and freckles and she was strong and convicted and warm and thoughtful and artistic. We met at and performed in a play together. I instantly felt enveloped in her acceptance and love for me. She was the big sister I never had and she never asked me to be anything I wasn't. She was a few years older than me and took me under her wing almost immediately. For my eighteenth birthday, she brought me to a night club with some friends and I felt like I was in a different universe. Going out underage to an alternative style nightclub swirling with smoke and pulsing with dance lights with music booming in the background; this was something the old Bella would _never_ do, and I loved every minute of it. I felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders as I spent my birthday out with my new friends and they really, really were wonderful friends. This was something my mother would never understand or respect. She would think they had an anterior motive. I suppose she would wonder why mature young adults would want to take an awkward freshman under their wings without a hidden agenda.

The weeks flew by and one of my favorite holidays was just around the corner- Halloween. My childhood memories of Halloween were fun and careless. Dad always dressed up and he always decked out our porch in scary decorations, in hopes of jumping out from behind the bushes and making the neighborhood kids scream. I realized I was smiling at the memory as Victoria bounded into my dorm room with the news that her good friend Laurent was throwing a Halloween party.

For some reason, I instantly tensed. I didn't feel like wearing a costume and I worried about the lecture that would begin after I dropped that bomb on her. I was so used to worrying about what someone else thought about my every little action that I was floored when she simply said "OK, so come as a beautiful young college girl." It was so easy, so effortless to be me with Victoria and for a brief moment I felt so many conflicting emotions at once. Relief, gratitude, anger at my mom for making me feel like I wasn't good enough for so long, worry that soon I wouldn't be good enough for my friends either, excitement and anticipation. And fear?

**A/N: Review please. Thanks a million!**


	3. Party

**A/N: This story will start to pick up now. Sorry for the slow introduction. Also- forgot to say this before: Stefanie Meyer owns all of these characters, surely I don't. Enjoy!**

Chapter 3: Party

It was off campus, which wasn't a big deal since Victoria would take me anywhere I wanted to go. She was arriving in about a half an hour. I had decided earlier that day that I really wouldn't dress up, but I would surprise the hell out of her by looking drop dead gorgeous that night. Most days, she saw me in sweats. Hell, the best I had ever looked was a few weeks before when I tried to appear twenty one, in my tight jeans and form fitting t-shirt, which didn't really matter since she knew the guys that ran the club.

With a half an hour left, I looked over myself in the full length mirror on the back of my dorm room door. I had dried my hair upside down and pulled the top up into a sexy puff before clipping it into place with a rhinestone barrette. A few squirts of hair spray set the style into place, with a few more sprays for good measure. I wore a short, but not-too-short denim skirt and a black form fitting sexy, shimmery shirt. It was long sleeved but dipped low enough to show off a little tease of my ample cleavage. My long legs were covered in shiny black tights and my boots gave me a little boost in height and, oddly, confidence. I felt sexy. I felt strong. I felt new. Now, all I had left to do was my make-up.

I was just finishing my blush and added an extra glittery shimmer to my face when she knocked on the door. I opened it and beamed with pride when her jaw dropped. Never before had I felt so wonderfully accepted and loved than in that moment- and off we went, into the cool Halloween air.

I had grown accustomed to the variety of people that Victoria hung out with. No one walked around with the aura of worry or non-acceptance. Everyone was friendly and everyone accepted one another's quirks without a thought. Some were average. Some had piercings, some had tattoos and some were downright freaky looking. I had grown accustomed to how utterly different they all were on the outside and how warm they all were when you actually looked past their façade (something I was never taught to do, because Rene always judged a book by it's cover).

My immersion in this group of friends had made me much more confident at interacting with new people, so I fit in easily with the people I didn't know and made quick conversation. She always kept an eye on me, but most of the time she was loving and being loved by her boyfriend, James. There was something about him that made me feel a little creepy, like he was just a little too protective or possessive of her; but, at the same time, I felt an odd longing for someone to look at me the way he looked at her.

I nodded to her across the room as she sat sideways on the couch with her legs draped over James' lap. They seemed pretty preoccupied with each other, so I gravitated over toward the bar where her good friend Emmett stood making drinks. Before long, I was feeling very relaxed and, since the guys were hitting on me left and right tonight, I finally loosened up enough to flirt right back.

I was laughing and flirting with Emmett for a while until Victoria came over and let me know that she had recently learned that he really liked me and that, if I didn't intend to start spending more time with him, I should calm down a little. I had no idea he felt this way and, knowing the deep and intense person he was, and the fact that I looked at him as a big brother, I decided to pull back a little so as not to send the wrong message. That was the exact moment I noticed _him_.

Maybe it was the drinks I had had, or how I felt in the outfit I was wearing, or maybe it was that I needed to let Emmett know that I wasn't interested in a serious relationship right now; I have no idea which thought it was. But, something possessed me to walk directly up to the tall, muscular, bronze haired, mouth watering, entrancing male model of a guy that just walked in the door. Normally, I would stammer for words; but, with my new found confidence, the conversation flowed effortlessly. As we talked, I quickly downed a couple of more rum and cokes and, before I knew it, we were upstairs (how did I get there?) kissing on Emmett's bed. I don't know how long we were there, but I knew I was in big trouble when Victoria, James and Emmet had to pound the door open to find us entwined with each other sucking face.

And then I snapped. I fought back with all of the pent up anger I had stored up for so many years. In that instant, I gathered myself together, stood and told my friends that I was done trying to be good enough for everyone and that I didn't care if I disappointed them. I made a hasty exit with a man I had just met and found myself at his friend's apartment, laying on the floor on some sleeping bags, picking up where we had left off.

**A/N: Please review and I will post as soon as I can! Thank you, thank you, thank you!**


	4. Daylight Savings

**A/N: As always, S. Meyer owns these characters, not me. WARNING this chapter is a little explicit and contains a date rape scene. Please read and review. I haven't gotten any reviews yet, so I'm not sure if I should keep writing. You tell me... thanks so much!**

**Chapter 4: Daylight Savings**

**As we laid there, kissing, I began to feel more sober and the unease of the situation began to creep over me. I started to kiss him with less enthusiasm as my thoughts wandered, and he began to grow frustrated. It began to hit me. Guilt, shame, fear, sadness, worry that my friends would be disappointed in me, shock at my sluttiness and, just that fast, I felt determination to get out of this predicament. **

**I began to squirm from beneath him and he just kissed me more roughly. I started to explain that this wasn't my style and that I had gotten caught up in the moment. He looked me in the eyes and told me how beautiful I was and how badly he wanted me. He wanted me. Me. The awkward, shy, nervous, Bella. Me. And that was it. I kissed him back with more fervor than before. Then, I kissed him more slowly and with passion. He licked my bottom lip and I let my tongue lazily enter his mouth and twist sensually with his as the heat began to build again.**

**And then, it happened. Again. What the hell was I doing? I don't even know this man! **

**And I stopped kissing him again. This time, the irritation was very apparent. Anger flashed in his eyes. But, I deserved this. I was leading him on. But, I didn't want this to go any further. "No. I'm sorry, Edward, I can't."**

"**What do you mean, you can't? What the hell is this, Bella? You want me. I can feel it."**

"**I'm sorry. I haven't ever gone anywhere alone with a man I just met. It just doesn't feel right. This can't go any further."**

"**Please, Bella. I know you feel this." He kissed me again and I did feel it. A spark. A warmth that I had never felt before, not so instantly anyway. I had been with Mike for two years and only then did I let him become intimate with me. I felt love with him. We made love. But, this, this was lustful and passionate, heated and spontaneous. And I did want it. But, again, I told him "No."**

**For some reason, in my heart of hearts, I knew it was wrong. Not my style. And, wasn't the new Bella all about doing what I wanted and not being guilted into doing something someone else wanted. My body wanted him. But, I did not. I wanted to be able to respect myself in the morning and, even though the effects of the alcohol lingered on my body, I knew right from wrong.**

**I laid there beneath him with all of these thoughts swirling in my head when he began to kiss me again. His grip tightened on my wrists and he began to kiss down my neck sloppily, returning back to my mouth over and over again. I felt him against my body, his hardness pressing against my hips and confusion ripped through me. Then, fear. He began talking to me, then, telling me how I had teased him all night and that I was so beautiful and he was glad to have been the one to leave the party with me. He said such lovely things to me, but, at the same time, he did not falter from his kissing and touching.**

**He moved his hand beneath my shirt and slowly, but firmly, cupped my left breast with his right hand. I froze. He looked at me, pausing for a second, then squeezed my erect nipple between his thumb and first finger. My body was betraying me. I didn't want this, but my nipples hardened and my center warmed at his touch. I wasn't feeling passion or lust any longer; I don't know why my body reacted the way it did. Maybe because the last time I was intimate was with Mike? No, this was fear. **

**It clicked then. Edward was going to have me tonight whether I liked it or not. Shouldn't I just let him, then? He wanted me. He thought I was beautiful. He wanted me. I was sexy. I had given him the wrong ideas. I did want him earlier, when I was drunk. But now, now I just wanted to curl up in a ball and go to sleep. **

**One small problem, though. Big muscular guy on top of me, kissing me and starting to slide his hand up my shirt again. "Edward, I'm serious, I don't want to do this."**

"**Bella, I don't think you understand. I want you. I want to be inside you. I **_**will**_** feel you around me. And I will have you tonight. There isn't anyone here. You came to an apartment alone with a man you didn't even know. If that isn't a signal that you want this, then, I don't know what is."**

**What? Was he serious? Yes, pretty damn serious. What if I get pregnant? What if he has AIDS? I'm scared. More scared than I have ever been, and I have no way to get home, no way to reach my friends. My mom was right. I need her to tell me the right things to do because when left to make my own decisions, this is where I end up. I should have listened to Victoria. Stupid Bella. Bella the utter embarrassment to all who know her. **

**Self preservation kicked in. "Edward?"**

"**Yes, Bella?"**

"**If you are going to do this, could you please wear a condom?"**

"**That's my girl."**

**And then I was frozen. Frozen with fear. I laid there. There was no way I was going to fight off his strength and there was no one around to hear me scream. So, I just laid there. **

**The rest was a blur. I know my tights came off and my underwear too. He just hiked up my skirt. I do remember reaching down to make sure I felt a condom on him. Should I be thankful, appreciative that he did me that courtesy? Maybe. I am just so damn confused. And then I feel him slide into me and my body rocked back and forth under him as he moved himself in and out. He told me I was being rude, that I could at least get into it. He wanted me to get into it? He was raping me, and he wanted me to get into it!**

**Apparently, that frustrated him greatly, because he was taking a long time to finish. In my numbness, the words slipped out before I could stop them. "Edward?"**

**Grunt. "What."**

"**Are you ever going to cum?" Uh oh. Did I just say that? That could not possibly lighten his mood.**

**And then he sped up and got rougher. Fine. That was fine with me. Physically, he wasn't really hurting me anyway. So, if rough sex would speed this up, I would take it. But, I certainly wasn't going to enjoy it.**

**And then it was over. And he was holding me like we were intimate lovers that had just made love for the first time. "Bella. It's daylight savings so I get to spend an extra hour with you tonight." And with that, he kissed me on the forehead and fell asleep.**


	5. Morning After

**A/N As usual, the characters belong to Ms. Meyer. I'm just having some fun. Thanks for reading.**

Chapter 5: Morning After

I stared up at the dark ceiling letting the numbness take over me, while Edward slept peacefully next to me. I was afraid to move because if I woke him up, he might want more entertainment and I wasn't up for that right now. The quiet ticking of the kitchen clock marked the passage of time, though it certainly felt like time was completely still. The night dragged on and with each passing hour, I grew more afraid for the minute he woke.

Before I was ready, he stirred and opened his eyes, immediately searching for me. As soon as he saw me, he breathed a sigh of relief and I fought back the urge to vomit. The feeling in my stomach was worse than I had ever experienced. Worse than hearing the stinging words my mother spat at me. Worse than hearing Mike admit that he had found someone else. I was so sick with nerves, not knowing what to expect when he spoke.

"Good morning, Bella. Did you sleep well, my sweet?"

"I guess." I hadn't slept a wink.

He rolled to face me better and brushed my hair behind my ear in the most tender of gestures, kissing my forehead once again. Then, he took my hand, guided it down his hip and between us to his already large erection. I sucked in a breath in surprise and he smiled while he ran my hand up and down his length.

"Please me with your mouth, Bella." He said it so simply, so matter of factly that I wasn't sure if I heard him right. So I just looked at him and waited to see what he said next. He said nothing. Instead, he slid the blanket down, exposing his naked body and cupped both of my breasts roughly pushing me onto my back. If this were anyone else, his body would be stunning, but I couldn't bring myself to think of him in a remotely admiring way. At least my disgusting body didn't react this time.

He slid his body up along the length of mine until his penis rested on my lips. Fear pulsed through my veins. There was no alcohol left to calm me.

"Why, Edward? I haven't done anything to you, please tell me why you are doing this to me." It came out as barely a whisper, almost a squeak.

"Bella. Bella. You are so beautiful. I won't hurt you, I promise. I dreamt of you all night. Thank you for giving yourself to me last night; you were divine. Perhaps it was rude the way I asked you a few minutes ago. It would be most delicious to feel your lips around my cock. Please, Bella, just your mouth, that's all I'm asking." I knew better than to think this was a request. It was obvious, as I was pinned beneath him that I had no choice in the matter.

And then, just as I did last night, I did as he asked. I sucked and licked him and listened to him moan for half the morning. I pleaded with him not to release in my mouth and, shockingly, he obliged, soaking my chest instead.

And then, it was over. Again. But, this time, I got to go back to school and hopefully never see him again. I timidly asked him, once he dressed, if he would drive me back to school. I was too ashamed to call Victoria, or anyone else for that matter. Why did I deserve a ride home from them? They _told_ me not to leave, practically begged me to stay at the party. But, I knew better what was best for me. Pathetic. Stupid. Slutty. Sick. Weak. Bella.

After driving without a word, he pulled into my parking lot, thanked me for joining him for the night, and I walked towards my dorm without looking back. As I closed my door and threw myself on the bed, the phone began ringing.

"Hello."

**A/N Just a little cliffy. Who do you think it is? Victoria, Renee, Emmett, Mike?**

**Please read and review- I can't wait to get my first response to this story! Thanks!**


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